Body Image

Final weigh in: 145 lbs.

Previous weigh in: 148 lbs.

Total loss since last weigh in: -3 lbs

Total loss since the start of this whole darn thing

Start: 191 lbs.

Finish: 145 lbs.

-46 lbs.

For those of you who have not been following my blog for the last year... Part of blogging was my being accountable to more than just myself. By putting myself out there, I felt like I had a responsibility to check in with you, and by that I had to check in with myself. Does that mean I always got it right or succeeded? No. That was another part of it. To hopefully help some of you, that are mom's or are busy, and have seen changes in your body that you would like to get a hold of. I failed sometimes (ie: no treats until July, I just couldn't do it, plain and simple, it felt too constricting, to much punishment involved) I didn't lose weight all the time, I dealt with death, and moving, and changes. I am hear to tell you though, if you make a goal, and really put your heart into it, anything is possible...

"But you were skinny all through high school, it isn't like you have been chubby your whole life." NOT TRUE! I have dealt with my weight or rather my body image pretty much solid since 5th grade...

Without too much detail I dealt with things most children do not have to deal with, and food was my solice. Kids were cruel, I remember running the mile and kid's threw rock's at me yelling "Come on Shamu run!" In today's standard I was probably mildly overweight, but I really was one of the only heavy kids I knew, and this was a very lonely and isolated place to be.

 What is body image? The way one sees themselves. This does not always corolate with the way everyone else sees them. At 13 I quit eating. Trauma created that. I was in 8th grade when I got to 98 pounds and all of the sudden the attention that was opposite of the attention I was getting before came. Girls and boys paid compliments, clothes fit, I could run. The problem was, no matter how thin I got it, it wasn't enough.

 The other problem was I didn't really pick up the eating habit again until later in my teens. I stayed thin through highschool. I look back at photos of what I thought was fat, and wish I could hold that little girl and say "you are beautiful."

Then I met...

and he fell in love with me... and thought I was beautiful ( he still worships me)...

And we then we got

and

I put on 55 pounds, because guess what! I started eating, and I was happy, and I was growing a baby inside me. Our baby came, and my cycle started again. Only this time I didn't quit eating and all that other bull, I dieted and counted calories and worked out, and...

And so the story goes, we had Olivia I lost most of it right away, but we moved twice in one year, had two little babies, and no friends or family, and the weight came back on. Then Nathan passed, and I got back in shape for the Pentiction half, and then we decided it was time for baby #3. I looked smashing preggers with Ethaniel

I literally loved every moment of it. But alas, we had another move and we went from 900 sq ft. to 3000 sq. ft. and I could not handle it. I am a text book order from chaos case, if it is chaotic with mess I don't do well, and no matter how hard I tried I could not keep up, or rather could not be happy with my progress. I know blogs are all for the happy moments, but sometimes life just isn't happy. Josh finally got to a point where he told me after I put on 40 pounds (side note: Josh never had a problem with my weight he always said "I just want you to be happy") I am not equipped to help with all of this (the body image problems, sometimes I would just cry myself to sleep wondeirng what happened and how I let myself go so much). I went to three therapy sessions, and after the third we found out Josh had been layed off.  Three months later he found a job, and 8 weeks later he was layed off again, the difference this time were three phone calls, one was my friend Heidi's nephew Logan was burned horribly in an accident and would later pass on, and the second was our dear friends lost their baby, and the third was Baylin was born 5 weeks early and we didn't know what his little life would look like. I remember feeling inside that nothing mattered, nothing, except that Josh and I loved each other, and that our babies were healthy. So in August 2009 I took charge of my life, I began to see myself the way others saw me. I made a promise in 2010 to be healthy and strong. Things I had done many times before, but this time I was taking charge of the reasons my body image was ascue, and now...

You know what? I didn't meet my goal weight, but I met my goal self. She is a really neat person. And yes, it is a hard damn road I have been down. I wouldn't wish a lot of it on anyone, but the pay off of trials is the blessings of growth. I worked hard for the body I have, and prayed hard for the person I am.

I really mean it when I say if I can do it,

anyone can do it.

And if you need me I am hear for you on your journey.

Much love, and thank you for the support.
Katie